


waffle iron woes

by SHITFART616



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHITFART616/pseuds/SHITFART616
Summary: happy's hungry for some fish bro thats it
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. innocent cute charming wow

**Author's Note:**

> the 1st chapter of this was written when i was in like middle school in 2016. idk man i remembered i posted this shit on wattpad so its moved from there bc wattpad sucks asscheeks. this is mostly unedited except for some small changes to preserve the middle school "charm"

"You know, Natsu, I love fish, but I haven't ever tried cooking any." Happy piped up. Natsu was stretched out on the couch, picking at his teeth with a wooden toothpick.

"Hunh? Then why doncha try it?" Natsu garbled, flicking the toothpick across the room and lodging it into a crack in the wall. 

"Natsu, we don't have any stuff to cook with." Happy pouted.

"Let's go to Lucy's apartment. I'm sure she wouldn't mind us usin' her kitchen!" He said cheerily.

"Alright!" Happy pumped his fist in the air.

~~~

Yeah, Lucy did mind.

Natsu broke the door down.

"OI, LUCYYY!!!" He yelled. "WE'RE GONNA USE YER KITCHEN!!! THANKS!" Lucy skidded around the corner from her bedroom and slammed open the living room door.

"NATSU!!" Lucy growled. "You have a key!!! Use it!!" She swung her foot around and kicked Natsu in the head.

"Ow, ow, ow... But thanks Lucy, I'll use the key next time!" He said, rubbing his face.

"Wait!! Nononononono!!! Don't come in my apartment without permission!!" Lucy panicked. She sighed and slumped down at the kitchen table.

"What are you going to cook?" She grumbled.

"Happy's gonna try to cook some fish!" Natsu and Happy nodded their head vigorously. Happy flung open a cabinet and pulled out a waffle maker. He set it on the stove and attempted to plug in the cord into the control panel.

"Umm..." Lucy gawped. "I'm pretty sure you don't use a waffle maker to cook fish..."

"Relax, Lucy!" Natsu said happily, slapping her on the back. "Happy knows what he's doin'!" Lucy swatted his hand away and muttered something about brain cells. Meanwhile, Happy unpacked the cloth on his back and took out a fish. He poked a couple forks into it, leaving it looking like a very strange species of porcupine. Happy smeared whipped cream and ketchup all over it, then placed it daintily on the waffle maker. Then he slammed the lid closed, snapping the forks in half and cream spilling out of the sides.

Lucy had no words.

Natsu, who probably knew how to cook as well as Happy did, inspected the... thing... that Happy had made.

"Woah, it looks good!" Happy beamed at the compliment. 

"Thanks, Natsu! Can you add some heat?" Happy asked. Natsu nodded, and raised a fist.

"IRON FIST OF THE FIRE DRAGON!!" He yelled, and punched the waffle maker. His flaming attack had pushed the waffle maker through the wall, leaving a huge hole and crumbling, smoking plaster all over the floor. Lucy's jaw dropped. There was a ball of fire one the pavement below.

"My wall!" Lucy wailed. Happy activated his wings a flew out of the wall. Natsu scooped up Lucy and simply jumped through the hole. Then he dropped her on the ground and ran over to Happy.

What was left of the waffle maker was only a melted ball of plastic and metal. Happy opened the lid, and admired his creation. It could not be classified as food at this point.

"Imma taste it!" Happy cheered. He took a big bite out of the abomination and chewed. It sounded awfully crunchy.

"Hey, Natsu?" Happy asked.

"Eh?" 

"Can we go to a restaurant next time?"

"..." Then Natsu and Lucy burst into hysterical laughter. Happy's ears drooped.

"Sure we can!" Lucy said, and hugged Happy. Natsu grinned as Happy wiggled out of Lucy's arms with a smile on his face.

"Yeah, Happy. I'm sure Lucy can pay."

"EHHH?!?" Lucy whined.


	2. what the fuck happened this is garbage now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natsu fucking dies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt even good

A week after the famed Waffle Iron Incident, the story of which had spread around the guild like COVID at a pool party, Natsu decided it was about time to bully Lucy into buying him and Happy some food.

"I'm finna whip this hoe," Natsu said as he hopped in his red 2010 Polaris RANGER 4X4 500 EFI. He laid on the horn for a solid 14 seconds.

"HAPPY! GET IN THE FUCKING CAR, WE'RE GONNA GO EAT!" He hollered back to the shitty little cottagecore hovel he called home.

Happy scampered over to the car like a startled refugee victim, tightening the Gucci belt securing his cloth pack. As soon as Happy's chibi ass was in a seat, Natsu slammed on the gas, breaking the speed limit, sound barrier, and also his ugly ass Birkenstocks. When they got to Lucy's apartment, the tires looked like lumps of squid ink pasta (that was a jojo reference you can laugh now)

Natsu stepped around the cordoned off area where Happy's pescitarian sludge comet had landed on the sidewalk. There was a good sized hole about 10 meters into the ground where the actual glob of nuclear waste had melted into the ground. He stomped up the steps to Lucy's apartment. He stuck the key in the lock before kicking the door in this time.

"YO LUCY, YOU OWE US A MEAL!" Natsu roared into the apartment, the sheer girth of his obnoxious voice acting shattering every window.

"Fucking pinkette twunk orphan ass breaking my GODDAMN door again I'm gonna fucking snap i can't take it seriously I'm at my limit-" Lucy moaned, clawing at her head and curled into a ball gnawing on the leg of the kitchen table, looking 0.6 seconds away from actual mental collapse.

"Lucy!" Happy squealed like a hamster with a vocal disease, "Let's go out to eat!"

"Jesus Christ," Lucy peeled herself off the floor with all the enthusiasm of a rotting corpse with ligma.

"Where do you horrible creatures want to go," she said, dead-eyed and grabbing her wallet off the kitchen counter, knowing that protesting would amount to nothing because Natsu's skull was thicker than a bank vault door.

"Houlihan's!" Natsu cheered. "I figured if you were gonna buy us food it should be somewhere fancy!"

"What the fuck is Houlihan's?" 

"I don't know, it's just the first thing that popped into the author's mind and since he's a shitty writer he couldn't think of a more creative answer than a 4th wall break."

"Huh. Damn," Lucy tapped her chin. "I guess we're going to Houlihan's."

Lucy sat in the back of Natsu's ugly fucking car, distinctly aware of the scent of cat piss and burnt hair. She was also aware of the copious ziploc bags of actual crack cocaine, and was considering taking the edge off the evening.

They got a booth seat at Houlihan's, and everything smelled like vegetable oil. Happy and Natsu ordered everything off the menu and Lucy got a bowl of Garlic Parmesan Fries, sprinkled with a bit of her special and newly acquired seasoning.

"So, Lucy! What the hell happened to Happy's fish?" Natsu asked, almost indecipherable with the sheer amount of mediocre food he was cramming into his gullet. He was quickly starting to look like a piece of DeviantArt inflation fetish porn.

"You guys literally recreated Chernobyl's Elephant's Foot in my fucking kitchen with a fish and whipped cream. I may not show it but that shit really be giving me brain damage."

"Don't worry, Lucy!" Happy said and he sucked the marrow out of a chicken bone and then ate the shards. "We can tell! Your forehead is way bigger than usual."

Lucy felt herself buffer for a moment.

"That's it you fucking pustule of a human being, you're going to the chimp zone." Lucy drags Natsu's phat phucking balloon ass all the way back to the sludge hole. After some funny epic cartoon shenanigans and funny epic boing squeak squish sounds, Lucy had stuffed his poorly written character into the brain damage pit.

"Nothing personnel, kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh

**Author's Note:**

> bazinga


End file.
